There
have been several ponderings of late, and on the whole they are
convicting: that I should be learning to actually enjoy
the celibate life, discovering that I do not actually need
a wife—but
I don’t feel it. I feel the curses of my sinful weakness,
and I feel the bitterness of my loneliness, and, for a time, joy
escapes me. I
am told of “family” and, certainly I have friends here, some of
whom, even on television, are referring to me as their brother.
But
“family” is not “spouse”; “family” is not the intimate
intermingling intertwining of two complementary souls, man and
woman—with God—into
the only portrait of our triune God that mankind could ever have the
slightest hope of scratching the surface of having an understanding
of. “Family” is not “wife”; “family” is not “spouse”;
“family” is not “marriage”—and
never can be.
I
consider my relationship with God, and no matter how fine it is, no
matter how sweet it is, no matter how fulfilling it ought to be (in
the eyes of other, sinful, men—who
have wives, by the way, and are therefore not qualified
to sympathize with, understand, or counsel me in, my lack and need
and should therefore shut up and keep their mouths shut and get and
stay out of God’s way), it gives me no understanding of the nature
of God in His triunity, when the “triunity” in my life is forever
missing a major part.
In
short, where is my wife? How am I to understand these things when the
materials necessary to that understanding are forever withheld from
me? Why am I to forever be made to suffer loneliness and weakness and
sinfulness and darkness and despair and unwanted solitude from the
very gender that could complete my understanding—and
I am never allowed to understand? What is the point of this? Why is
it that those who try to set me up are forever trying to set me up
with fat, old, ugly hags instead of someone to whom I would ever have
some hope of being attracted?
Why? Why am I the honored target? Why do You forever pick on
me and make my hopes, wishes and dreams
impossible to achieve, never giving me the slightest hope of
their fulfilling? Why this inanely convoluted chain of
characteristics if no one is ever going to fulfill it and come?
Am
I protesting? Yes! Most vociferously am I protesting! Why? Why do You
forever keep me chained in this accursed state, never once explaining
Yourself? If You do truly Love me, then at least make me to
understand the point of it all.
You
have told me to “wait for her.” Am I to wait until I am dead? And
what of all those women who claim Your name, yet slander me to cover
up their own wanton profligacy, but are never driven to come to
their victim in repentant Love?
What
of them? Why are they forever allowed to float freely in their
profligacy with nary a criticism, confrontation or sharp word as they
float freely around in their filth while claiming Your name—while
Your son, who is called by Your name, is accused of making
excuses for his own sin?
Why
am I tortured and not them? Why am I forever in Your mortar and
pistil and never them? Give me relief and crush them for once. If not
for a Love of me, then act for Your name’s sake, because Satan is
laughing at You.
Look
around at what claims to be Your Church, and see. Act for Your name’s
sake!
You
have told me to pray for the impossible. Well my situation certainly
seems to be impossible, so if this qualifies as a prayer, then so be
it! Act for Your name’s sake!
Amen!
