There have been several ponderings of late, and on the whole they are convicting: that I should be learning to actually enjoy the celibate life, discovering that I do not actually need a wife—but I don’t feel it. I feel the curses of my sinful weakness, and I feel the bitterness of my loneliness, and, for a time, joy escapes me. I am told of “family” and, certainly I have friends here, some of whom, even on television, are referring to me as their brother.
But “family” is not “spouse”; “family” is not the intimate intermingling intertwining of two complementary souls, man and woman—with God—into the only portrait of our triune God that mankind could ever have the slightest hope of scratching the surface of having an understanding of. “Family” is not “wife”; “family” is not “spouse”; “family” is not “marriage”—and never can be.
I consider my relationship with God, and no matter how fine it is, no matter how sweet it is, no matter how fulfilling it ought to be (in the eyes of other, sinful, men—who have wives, by the way, and are therefore not qualified to sympathize with, understand, or counsel me in, my lack and need and should therefore shut up and keep their mouths shut and get and stay out of God’s way), it gives me no understanding of the nature of God in His triunity, when the “triunity” in my life is forever missing a major part.
In short, where is my wife? How am I to understand these things when the materials necessary to that understanding are forever withheld from me? Why am I to forever be made to suffer loneliness and weakness and sinfulness and darkness and despair and unwanted solitude from the very gender that could complete my understanding—and I am never allowed to understand? What is the point of this? Why is it that those who try to set me up are forever trying to set me up with fat, old, ugly hags instead of someone to whom I would ever have some hope of being attracted? Why? Why am I the honored target? Why do You forever pick on me and make my hopes, wishes and dreams impossible to achieve, never giving me the slightest hope of their fulfilling? Why this inanely convoluted chain of characteristics if no one is ever going to fulfill it and come?
Am I protesting? Yes! Most vociferously am I protesting! Why? Why do You forever keep me chained in this accursed state, never once explaining Yourself? If You do truly Love me, then at least make me to understand the point of it all.
You have told me to “wait for her.” Am I to wait until I am dead? And what of all those women who claim Your name, yet slander me to cover up their own wanton profligacy, but are never driven to come to their victim in repentant Love?
What of them? Why are they forever allowed to float freely in their profligacy with nary a criticism, confrontation or sharp word as they float freely around in their filth while claiming Your name—while Your son, who is called by Your name, is accused of making excuses for his own sin?
Why am I tortured and not them? Why am I forever in Your mortar and pistil and never them? Give me relief and crush them for once. If not for a Love of me, then act for Your name’s sake, because Satan is laughing at You.
Look around at what claims to be Your Church, and see. Act for Your name’s sake!
You have told me to pray for the impossible. Well my situation certainly seems to be impossible, so if this qualifies as a prayer, then so be it! Act for Your name’s sake!