This morning has been a dark one, battling anger, battling depression, battling frustration; imagining conversations that would draw my wrath; hardly able to hear the voice of my Savior; wanting nothing so much as to crawl under a rock and hide for the rest of my life. My heart cries out, but I hear nothing, so I turn to Amnos tou Theou, and cry out to Him.
As I think back over my Christian walk, it has had elements of Jeremiah, Jonah, and Joseph; of Joseph, Jonah, and Jeremiah. Of Jonah because I do not want to be where He keeps putting me; of Jeremiah Lamentations because no one ever believes what He has for me to say, but they just pat me on the head and shove me in some corner pretending that it doesn’t matter, but the consequences come; of Joseph because for much of my walk I have lived Genesis 39—and no one, no perpetrator, ever confesses and repents of the wickedness they have done to me, but just go on living their lives as though they have never done anything wrong and I am the one who stays in prison—imprisoned within the empty cistern of their preconceived notions of what pleases God and what God desires.
Truly, has it ever pierced their hearts that a 19 year old who has never done anything to me has turned to me in the very repentance that they so steadfastly reject, yet claim Christ—they who so joyously would criticize and attack my walk? I must confess that should they ever return they just might find themselves in the very same position that the brothers of Joseph found themselves, and with the same most excellent reasoning: You cannot know forgiveness except you first show repentance. If they would know genuine Christian faith let them sit at the feet of that 19 year old.
So, where is hope? Jonah was not destroyed, but was used; Jeremiah found mercy in the midst of devastation; and Joseph came to rule over his oppressors. He also sired children, winding up with a double portion in Israel.
Therefore I wait in hope beyond my reach.
I recall commenting about the insanity that has struck my life ever since I decided to start my company. The listener then looked me in the eye and said, “Then you’re just going to have to push through it,” which reminds me of the last stanza of my poem, Dark Days:
You cannot have a breakthrough
Without going through a wall,
And walls are made to stand and not to fall.
So, it never shall be easy
When going through a wall,
But with God-given purpose,
Although you may seem stalled,
If Jesus has ordained it,
You’re going through that wall!
Amen, Lord Jesus!
Bring me through!